Timmargh.me

I remember this place  4

Wow. Two posts in two months … that’s bad, even for me.

I won’t apologise for being quiet — it is my ‘blog after all :^P — but I will thank those of you who’ve been checking for updates regularly and leaving comments and/or emailing me.

I’m not entirely sure why I’ve been so negligent but I think it’s down my old adversary: apathy. There’s been loads of things I’ve wanted to do but just can’t be bothered. I sit there and think “Oh, I’ll write something for the site” and by the time I’ve put down my coffee, gotten my arse into gear, fussed Rocco on the way past and parked myself in front of my Mac all the impetus to done anything constructive has gone and so I just trawl through a few hundred photos on Flickr — I spend far too much time on that site, although I have found some particularly nice photos as you can see from my favourites.

Anyway, back to the point.

I’m not depressed, although I did think I was at one point. I think one of the problems was the fact that a close, personal friend of mine died in February and, whilst that tragedy was more than enough to upset me on its own, I have spent quite a lot of my own time and energy keeping someone else close to me from themselves dropping into the depths of despair and depression, unfortunately this seems to have been at the expense of my own sanity. This all sounds very cryptic but, whilst those who know me in the real world will no doubt know who I’m talking about, I don’t want to mention names here.

I started missing Dad, too. I mean, I was gutted when he died and I have missed him since, but now I really miss him in a way I’ve never felt about anyone. When I don’t see a friend or relative for a long while I occasionally think about him or her but I never get too down about it (hardly at all, in fact) because I know I will see them eventually. And while other people I have known and loved have passed away, this time it’s completely different as I’m sure any of you who’ve suffered a similar loss will agree. I think about other people lost and get sad; I think about Dad and I get sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, despondent and I really, really want to see him. I’m usually pretty good at controlling my emotions most of the time — being a crip and having to accept certain realities is good practise for that sort of thing — but at the moment this is getting the better of me. It’s not getting any worse as such, it just won’t let go. It’ll lessen as time goes on, I’m sure, and when I’m back up to full speed it’ll be easier to get to grips with.

[Note: I’ve been away from this, had my tea and am feeling a bit more upbeat so hopefully it’ll be a bit more light-hearted from no on.]

So, what’re you doing about it?

Well, I find that music helps: when I climb into bed at night I fire up my MacBook, plug in my headphones and turn it up to 11. Any kind is good as long as it’s just that: good — I find that if it’s something I’m not too keen on I spend half the time skipping tracks and then I get pissed off, so I have a few smart playlists set up in iTunes. I’m fine with sad music, too, as it’s usually the most relaxing — I thought I’d have trouble with the tracks that Dad liked or the ones we used for his funeral, but they’re all fine. The trouble is, once I’ve been listening for about half an hour or so I find myself not wanting to go to sleep and end up staying awake ‘til all hours — just check my Last.fm profile at anytime between about 11 o’clock at night and 3 o’clock in the morning!

I’ve been forcing myself to do things that I know will lift my mood like watching a film I like, even if it’s only the good bits, and searching out good photos on Flickr. I’ve also been subscribing to some comedy podcasts of which there are a lot of shit but with a couple of gems here and there, most of which are from the BBC.

I’ve also been designing a new look for this place, but I warn you: you probably won’t like it. I’ve previewed it in a couple of places and asked for opinions, most of which are along the lines of “It’s too dull”, “The colours are too similar” and “It doesn’t exactly leap out at you” … which is kind of the look I was going for. I tried to do a complete re-redesign but kept coming back to my original idea so I’m gonna go with it for now. Besides, I’m sure there might possibly be at least one other person out of six billion who likes it, too.

Here’s a sneak preview:

As you can see, the comments made (as well as the one that said “It has a very ‘80’s wallpaper’ look about it”) have a ring of truth but it is the look I wanted so to hell with it — it’s *my* site blah blah blah.

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