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Zen sarcasm  6

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me. In fact, Just leave me the hell alone;
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire;
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it;
4. Don’t be irreplaceable - if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted;
5. Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else;
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet;
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of loan payments;
8. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them you’re a mile away. And you have their shoes;
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you;
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day;
11. If you build a man a fire he’ll be warm for a day. If you set a man on fire he’ll be warm for the rest of his life;
12. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it;
13. A closed mouth gathers no foot;
14. Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together;
15. There are two theories to arguing with women - neither one works;
16. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving;
17. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it;
18. Never miss a good chance to shut up;
19. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night;
20. Life is sexually transmitted;
21. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die;
22. For women … men have two emotional states: hungry and horny - if you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich;
23. Some people are like a Slinky: not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs;

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