Metaphors and similies 
5
- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it;
- She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef;
- He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree;
- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t;
- McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup;
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met;
- Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut;
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work;
- “Oh, Jason, take me!”; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student on $1-a-beer night;
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something;
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs;
Some of those are just plain silly while some did catch my eye.
I’m guessing some of them have been lifted from some noir-ish novels? “McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.” - Wayne Smallman
They just came in an email - no idea where they’re originally from.
I did remove about ten *really* bad ones and left some not-so-bad ones. - Timmargh
"Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut."
My favourite. - Timmargh
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn’t stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, “When I’m worried about gettin’ nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o’ whiskey. Just to calm my nerves.” So the next Sunday he took the older priest’s advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say “He was stoned off his ass.”
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”; he did not say, Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry”.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God”
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick’s, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Please do not take offence if you are either Catholic or Irish, like me! - Clare
:^D
Thanks Clare! - Timmargh
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