Drinker’s Troubleshooting Guide 
1
| Symptom | Cause | Action |
|---|---|---|
| Feet cold and wet | Glass being held at incorrect angle | Rotate glass so open end points toward ceiling |
| Feet warm and wet | Improper bladder control | Stand next to nearest dog and complain loudly about house training |
| Beer pale and tasteless | Glass is empty | Get someone to buy you another beer |
| Floor blurred | You are looking through an empty glass | See above |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights | You have fallen over backwards | Have yourself leashed to the bar |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts | You have fallen forward | See above |
| Beer tasteless and front of shirt is wet | Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face | Retire to the toilet and practice in the mirror |
| Everyone looks up to you and smiles | You are dancing on the table | Fall on someone cushy-looking |
| Your singing sounds distorted | Beer is too weak | Have more beer until your voice improves |
| You can’t remember the words to the song | Beer is just right | Play air guitar |
| Floor is moving | You are being carried out | Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if the answer is “No” then complain loudly that you’re being kidnapped |
| Beer is crystal clear | Someone is trying to sober you up | Punch him |
| Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear | You have been in a fight | Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them |
| Room seems unusually dark | Bar has closed | Confirm home address with the bartender |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspects and textures | Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations | Cover mouth |
how funny - Tink
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